*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids