I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?