Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Welcome to the stomach
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
This is I, Robot all over again
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good