Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?