I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey