went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.