For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!