My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
You got this…