My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.