Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
✌️
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.