I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
incredible text to wake up to
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.