If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
pelicons
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold