My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?