*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?