Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over. Smile because your fingerprints aren鈥檛 in the database.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
This is from an actual conversation 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Scientist: We don鈥檛 really know exactly how that happens. They鈥檙e performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Flowers bee like
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: You鈥檙e SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I promised my kids a genuine New Year鈥檚 party: I鈥檒l be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this