One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
You Might Also Like
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Social distancing in Australia:
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too