[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded