Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Living the best life.. 😊
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.