Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Its true…
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words