wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
He’s dead
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.