I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*