Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
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So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice