Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
when someone rings the doorbell
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
decorating my apartment
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.