[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.