Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad