“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
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Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Always 🥴
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.