Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.