I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
You Might Also Like
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
when someone rings the doorbell
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.