FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”