Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Thursday Thought.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
A family that plays together cheats.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.