[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”