Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.