I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
The Struggle
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.