I have obtained a hat
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The honesty is refreshing
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg