“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.