I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
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you have three unread messages
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
honestly, i need both:
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.