Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?