[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“How’s your day going?”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.