Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!