BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
*sewing*
A thread
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.