Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.