Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*