*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
this could fix me
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.