There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“No way.” -Jose
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities