My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Blew out my flip flop…
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Stop sending me this shit.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Worst bar ever.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?