You Might Also Like
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.