I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
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Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My love language is deader than Latin
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping