Just me?
You Might Also Like
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Breaking news:
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo