Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm