My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Only Americans understand
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.